So You Want to Write a Novel?

You have been dreaming of writing a memoir of your amazing life or a fictional novel of a great story that has been living actively in your mind for ages. And, you can't help but dream of the nice little profit on the sales that will pay for your holiday. Just a few grand - well, maybe five. After all, it is a great story!

So, full of enthusiasm, you start bangin' it out. The first chapter just bursts out of you, but you decide to hold back from sharing it with your published writer friend until you have a few more. You just write it the way it flows to the keys, figuring it is bound to work. Finally, half a dozen chapters are ready. You email them to your friend.

Days go by with no response. You send a nudge. Finally, a week later, there it is in your inbox. You're on your mousse faster than a fruit fly to red wine and your eyes land on a first sentence that reeks of bad news  -

"I'm going to be frank with you." 

And on it goes, telling you that your story is written in the wrong person  (whatever the hell that means). Then, he drops the big bomb asking -

"Why, in your opinion, is your story worth telling?" 

Isn't that bloody obvious?

You close your computer a bit too hard, gather up your notes in an unorganized way, pour a stiff one, light up a spliff and turn on Netflix - for six months.

Then a google search cautiously begins and you take a stab at changing from the 3rd person to the first.

"Better,' he writes, "but you still have not found your voice. You're all over the place."

"Fuck it. This is no fun."

Then you go through what most first-time writers experience - you poke at it occasionally. One day, out of the blue, you realize that you've found the elusive voice. You are hooked. Hours, months, years are spent in cafes, wine bars, libraries ... writing, writing, writing.

Nearly half a decade later, you are finished. And, it is actually a pretty good book!

Then comes the time to decide whether to self-publish or to look for an agent who loves your book and will get you signed up with a publishing house. It seems to make sense to self-publish as that is all the rage in the industry now and you have more control bla bla bla.

You self-publish on Amazon - easy and cheap.

A couple of years later, you are tired of Amazon taking such a big chunk, of the low sales, of the competition, of the inability to enter prestigious contests. You decide to go to a  prestigious Lit Festival and pay for time with a gal who will teach you how to pitch an agent and then you spend 15 minutes each with three agents. 

"Is that your book on the table? You self-published it? No, no and no. I can't help you."

All three of them say the same damn thing!

Guess what. Agents and publishers won't touch a self-published author - something to do with the fact that you own the rights ... You are on your own, baby until you sell 10,000 copies.

WHAT?!

Partly out of desperation and partly out of being conned, you sign up to a couple of bullshit on-line workshops on how to make your book a "Best Seller" - producing nothing but anxiety and a hole in your pocket. Then, out of sheer stupidity, you take a wack at producing your own audiobook. Now the hole is a whole leg missing in your pants.

See where this is going?

Moral of the story? Research online on how to write a good story first. There are rules. Then, after a qualified editor has gone through it, send it to agents who have published books similar to yours. Attend Lit Festivals . . . . . . . .

Good luck!